8:57 PM. Back at the house. Fucking tired. So lonely. Already anticipating that he’ll duck out on calling me the whole week so that he can avoid telling me that he’s not coming this weekend. I already know.
F. broke the news to me this afternoon that K. is engaged to his live-in girlfriend. Not that surprised but didn’t think it was coming so soon. Was sad all afternoon.
All these relationships I’ve been in– useless. It’s not like I look around and see relationships that I envy, per se. They’re all either loveless, bitter, bored senseless, or covered in the “we settled for each other” cloud. I just want a good relationship for myself. Have a deep deep sense of longing right now. Not sure what’s going to become of it.
He refuses to meet my needs. I want him to come here so badly. I’m desperate for him to come here. Him living across the country and me thinking it could work is a stupid fucking fantasy. I feel like my life has some key dimensions that are missing, or stunted. Love my family, that part is healthy. My imagination is alive, could be more vibrant, but it churns when it wants to churn… so that part is healthy. The part that should be relating to a man, benefiting from a man– that part is a phantom limb. The part that should be nurturing a family– another phantom limb. The part that should be making a gripload of money off my natural talents– phantom effing limb.
Posted by 30's Love 
