It’s always about me.

I’m going to be 32 this year– that’s a fairly big deal to me.  Single, female, no good men on the horizon, the whole 9 yards.  *yawn*

I’m mildly depressed right now and am trying not to succumb to that fucked up place in the larger “survival of the fittest” scheme, although lately I’ve been suspecting that cancer or something like that is in my future.  Something to explain why I’ve made no lasting connections with the potential for procreation.  Probably just cognitive dissonance at work again.

Here’s where that part gets interesting.  I quit my job recently to figure it all out.  Well, maybe not all, but at least my slice.  It will be a great challenge to keep my head up when I’m painfully lonely and have no job.

How do I know that I’m mildly depressed?  The only people that I find interesting lately are either fictional (characters in movies, e.g.) or are famous (artists, entrepreneurs, leaders in business).  I regularly burst out in tears.  I am unable to find mental quiet.  My attention span is non-existent.

What I’m doing to overcome this state– attempts to exercise or stay active, going out with friends when the activities seem appealing, searching for a job that I can honestly say I’m interested in, keeping the dream alive of one day having the courage to start a business (i.e., confronting all of the risks associated with that start-up).

I wish that my universe was about more than marital status and career (and to a lesser degree, body image).  I’ve sent out a cry for help with my soul-searching.  A guide, a kit, a template, a roadmap would be nice.

I don’t always pick up my phone and it’s not always located within earshot.  I wish people would get over it.

My dream?  Full creative license + changing the world.

Fading glimmers of hope in the world of jobsearch.

So I’ll root around online looking at various job postings, reading articles on random topics, grasping at straws of inspiration that I hope will lead me to opportunity.  Every now and again, I’ll either be linked to a company that excites me or it’ll occur to me to hunt down one that I’ve always had at least a passing interest in.  And on even fewer now and agains, the company will have an intriguing possibility.

I agonize over a new cover letter and in the process read over my old ones hoping to just throw a few tweaks in, rename it, submit it.  It never works that way but instead I realize how awful and uninspiring all of those old cover letters were.  (As a former HR person, I should know that loads of managers don’t even f*king read the cover letter.  At least not enough to merit agonizing over every word.)  I also have the nagging suspicion that all this talk of “cover letters” and other ridiculously hopeless ways of snagging a dream job are so far off the path of how savvsters actually score jobs that I am completely misprioritizng my time and am dooming myself to be one of the legions of losers who waste time doggy paddling in their careers instead of being one of the Marthas, Oprahs, Scott Adamses who actually are deeply interested in what they do and are enjoying a place on the catapult to ultimate success.

Why does the concept of “success” elude me so?

By all appearances, I’m marginally succesful.  I went to a top-flight school and have managed to accomplish a decent amount in my 9 years of work experience.  But now, now that I have made the leap to quit my all-consuming job, I feel a great great deal of pressure (that I’ve put on myself) to succeed. 

By my own definition, success is either (a) financial prowess (b) notoriety or fame or renown (c) a doctoral-level degree [I've amended this in my psyche to include a master's-level degree from a Top 5 university].  If I don’t have one or more of those AND I don’t marry (and have kids) then it’s over!

Pretty superficial, huh.  Whatever.

Just another self-indulgent rant by your average malcontent.

Spinning deeper into aimlessness.  Need to get off this (I know) dumb horse and start making money because I know (I know) that is the first key to getting my mind back. 

I’m not living life.

Can’t believe how he did this to me again (how I let him).  How does someone make all these intricate plans to come and then not even bother communicating otherwise?  What is his purpose?  It’s so completely sad what I let myself go through.

Can’t  even talk to anyone about what is happening with him because it’s so ridiculous.  Because I shouldn’t even be letting him ENTER my mind let alone considering him a factor in my life.

Writing in here makes me feel worse.

I have to ask myself, do I want to continue down this path of searching for jobs across countless search engines online looking at jobs that I have realistically ZERO interest in or do I want to take some huge risks and put myself out there and start some bajillion-to-one enterprise?

Jobs blow.

Job market looks absolutely bleak.  Not one  damn job looks appealing to me.  I’m either slipsliding into a depression or I’m ignoring the color of my parachute.  All signs point to the fact that I need to just go bonzai and start my business.  Playing starring roles in my fairytale are angel investors and a superfly prince whose middle name is ”industrious,” is at least as smart as I am, loves my family, and is looking to settle down.    

Soul-Searching Roadmap, anyone?

Somehow still believing that all this rejection is good for me.  It will all lead me somewhere else.  The only real love possibility in my life right now takes me for granted and isn’t that pressed to see me.  The only job offers I have are from my old company and I sure as hell don’t want to backpedal.  Distracted by t.v., can’t quiet my mind even when the t.v. is off.  Anyone out there have the key to effective soul searching?

I need a template.  Or a workplan.  Or a kit.

To have found your soul, does it mean you have (1) identified and (2) found what will make you happy?  And is happiness synonymous with fulfillment?